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刘邦Vs项羽新编

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发表时间:2020-10-18 16:44

Hllo,各位亲爱的读者,我叫刘邦(化名),其实我真名叫刘军,希望本文能将大家带入我的梦幻世界,也希望大家能够喜欢上我。


(一)事情前幕


星期一,天气晴。


我正呆在教室里做作业,突然想起一个史上最不可思议的问题――笔是什么东东呢?


百思不得其解以后,于是,怀着好奇去问班主任。他一拍胸口(吓我一大跳,我倒了退N步),很自豪的说,“所谓笔,就是力量!~是精神的武器!~你看人家鲁迅多伟大啊!~光靠支笔就战胜了当时的黑暗~哈哈~~~”


“恩,伟大!笔太伟大了,鲁迅太伟大了”然后我高呼,“笔笔万岁!%%...”周围的老师都用惊讶的眼神望着我,似乎我是个笔迷(当时我差点挖个洞藏了起来,因为没有锄头,几秒钟之后,我决定忘掉‘笔笔’两个字)。心稍微平定下来,我感到很疑惑,“老师,那么笔就能当飞机、大炮和坦克使用吗?钢笔制造厂就是兵工厂吗?教室就是用武基地吗?...”


他差点没有晕倒%%...


从桌上拿起一支笔,然后纸上出现两个大字――精神。接着,用另一种语气问我,“认识这两个字吗?”


“认识,当然认识了,我们不是有‘精神文明建设’、‘弘扬雷锋精神’...吗?


“这就对了,鲁迅手上那支笔就是因为有ㄨㄨ――刘邦啊刘邦,平时不是见很聪明吗?今天怎么突然糊涂了?...”


接着,说了一大堆我全听不懂的废话,然后扬眉而去...(当时我为更加烘托他的才华,一直都在拍手称快,不管周围老师怎么看我)


我久久的站在办公室,为他感到无比的悲哀,心里念着“此乃大怪物也,竟,对,牛弹琴也!%%...”然后在一个小时之内,他就在全校出名了...


(二)初遇ㄨㄨ


星期二,天气阴。


我不知怎么的感到很郁闷,于是跑去请教心里老师。


他先是将我从头到脚,从前往后,从外向内(其实不是的,只为符合本文构思而已)看了K+L+M...遍。然后对我说,“你一定是撞邪了。”


“哇Kao,老师你真厉害~连这个也知道,我昨天真的遇见‘鬼’了。”


他很自信地说,“这个太小trifle 了。”接着从口袋里拿出一张纸(是ㄨㄨ调查表),“姓名、性别、年龄、身高、体重...%%...”(我差点没晕倒,连这个也要填这么详细,然后忽然觉得他比较适合当医生)


我一一俱答之...


见他老半天都不说话,我便问:“老师,我还有救吗?”


“恩,当然,只要乖乖听我的我保准你没事,你先去绕操场跑20圈,跑完回来见我。”


“遵命”...为了宝贵的生命,我果然绕操场跑了两圈(因为操场太大,一般人跑1圈也会叫爹喊娘的,我算不错的了)于是无比的自豪地去找ㄨㄨ(以后心理老师为ㄨㄨ)。“这家伙,居然敢耍我,叫我去跑操场,自己却不知道跑哪里鬼混去了,我‘东楚霸王’的称号可不是白当的,看我怎么收拾你。”我留下一张纸条,然后在众老师的奇怪目光下离去...


(三)小施一计


星期三,天气大风。


“哇...哇...!20圈耶!破世界吉尼斯记录了。”“哇...!太帅了!‘东楚霸王’果然名不虚传。”“哇...帅...帅...帅...太帅了~~”“不对,不对,你们看‘此乃学校特别警告过某些脾气暴躁老师的行为。体罚学生轻微者,记小过;体罚学生较重者,扣工资;体罚学生严重者,受重罚并免职一天 ...这下那位心理老师可惨啦~!...%%...”


我偷偷地笑过...


参考翻译:

Hllo, dear readers, my name is Liu Bang (not his real name). In fact, my real name is Liu Jun. I hope this article can bring you into my dream world and you can like me.


(a) things before the curtain


On Monday, it was sunny.


I was staying in the classroom to do my homework when I suddenly remembered the most incredible question in history-what is a pen?


After being puzzled, I asked the class teacher with curiosity. He patted his chest (scared me, I fell back N steps) and proudly said, "The so-called pen is power! ~ is the weapon of spirit! ~ Look how great Lu Xun is! ~ I defeated the darkness at that time with a pen alone ~ haha ~ ~ ~ "


"Well, great! Pen is great, Lu Xun is great. "Then I shouted," Long live pen! %% ... "The teachers around me looked at me with surprised eyes, as if I was a pen fan (at that time, I almost dug a hole and hid it, because there was no hoe, and after a few seconds, I decided to forget the word' pen and pen'). My heart calmed down a little, and I was puzzled. "Teacher, can pens be used as airplanes, cannons and tanks? Is the pen factory an arsenal? Is the classroom a military base? ...”


He almost didn't faint%% ...


Pick up a pen from the table, and then there are two big characters on the paper-spirit. Then, ask me in another tone, "Do you know these two words?"


"yes, of course. don't we have' spiritual civilization construction' and' carrying forward lei feng spirit' ...?


"that's right, Lu Xun's hand that pen is because there are ㄨㄨ-Liu bang Liu bang, at ordinary times is not very smart? Why are you suddenly confused today? ...”


Then, I said a lot of nonsense that I couldn't understand, and then I raised my eyebrows and went away ... (At that time, I was clapping my hands to further highlight his talents, no matter how the teachers around me looked at me)


I stood in the office for a long time, feeling very sad for him, and I read in my heart, "This is a big monster, but, yes, casting pearls before swine! %% ... "Then within an hour, he became famous in the whole school. ...


(2) First meeting ㄨ ㄨ


It's cloudy on Tuesday.


I felt depressed somehow, so I went to consult my teacher in my heart.


He first showed me K+L+M from head to toe, from front to back, from outside to inside (in fact, it is not, just to conform to the idea of this article). Then he said to me, "You must have hit evil."


"Wow Kao, teacher, you are really amazing ~ Even this one knows that I really met a' ghost' yesterday."


He said confidently, "This is too small trifle." Then I took out a piece of paper from my pocket (it was a ㄨㄨ questionnaire), "Name, gender, age, height, weight ...%% ..." (I almost didn't faint, even this one had to be filled out in such detail, and then suddenly I thought he was more suitable for being a doctor)


I'll answer them all ...


Seeing that he didn't speak for a long time, I asked: "Teacher, can I still save?"


"Well, of course, as long as you listen to me, I will ensure that you are fine. You should run around the playground for 20 laps and meet me after running."


"Yes" ... For the sake of precious life, I really ran around the playground twice (because the playground is too big, most people will call Dad to shout Niang after running once, which is not bad), so I went to ㄨ with great pride (the psychology teacher will be ㄨ in the future). "This guy actually dared to play me and told me to run the playground, but I didn't know where to fool around. My title of' East Chu Overlord' is not white, see how I can clean you up." I left a note and then left under the strange eyes of all the teachers ...


(3) A small plan


On Wednesday, it was windy.


"wow ... wow ...! 20 laps! Breaking the Guinness record of the world. " "wow ...! It's so handsome! The' East Chu Overlord' really deserves its reputation. " "Wow ... handsome ... handsome ... so handsome ~ ~" "No, no, you see,' this is the behavior of some grumpy teachers specially warned by the school. Those who punish students lightly will remember their mistakes; Those who punish students severely will be deducted from their wages; Those who severely punish students are severely punished and removed from office for one day ... The psychology teacher is miserable ~! ...%%...”


I secretly laughed ...


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